What is Soft Power?
Last year I read one of the best relationship books ever, US by Terry Real. In that book he describes a tool/concept called soft power. It refers to the skill of influencing and creating change in relationships through empathy, connection, and emotional attunement, rather than through control, dominance, harshness or forceful behavior.
Key Elements of Soft Power in Terry Real's Work:
Empathy and Vulnerability:
Soft power involves being open and vulnerable to connect authentically with others. By showing one's feelings and needs, a person invites the other to engage more compassionately.
Example: Instead of blaming a partner during conflict, sharing feelings with statements like, "I felt hurt when..." fosters connection rather than defensiveness.
Relational Mindset:
Using soft power means shifting from an adversarial "me versus you" stance to a collaborative "us" mindset. It’s about focusing on the health of the relationship rather than "winning" an argument.
Boundaries with Kindness:
It’s not about being passive or submissive but about standing firm with kindness. Assertiveness is paired with respect and care.
Example: Saying, "I need us to talk about this calmly because I value our connection," rather than issuing ultimatums.
The Power of Repair:
Soft power emphasizes the importance of repairing rifts and maintaining emotional safety. This involves actively listening, owning one’s part in conflicts, and fostering mutual understanding.
Why It’s Important:
Terry Real's approach underscores that relational success doesn't depend on overpowering others but on fostering trust, safety, and mutual respect. By employing soft power, partners can build deeper intimacy and resolve conflicts without resorting to coercion or emotional withdrawal.
Some examples:
1. Conflict Resolution through Vulnerability
Scenario: A couple is arguing about one partner (Alex) being late for dinner, and the other (Jamie) feels hurt and unimportant.
Hard Power Approach (Control):
Jamie says angrily: "You’re always late! You don’t care about me or this relationship!"
This puts Alex on the defensive and escalates the conflict.Soft Power Approach (Connection):
Jamie calmly says: "When you were late tonight, I felt hurt and unimportant. I know you probably didn’t mean it that way, but it brought up some old feelings for me. Can we talk about it?"
By expressing vulnerability rather than blame, Jamie invites Alex into a collaborative conversation rather than a fight.
2. Setting Boundaries with Kindness
Scenario: Alex often interrupts Jamie during conversations, which frustrates Jamie.
Hard Power Approach (Dominance):
Jamie snaps: "Can you stop interrupting me? You always do this—it’s so rude!"
This statement will likely provoke shame or defensiveness.Soft Power Approach (Assertiveness with Care):
Jamie gently says: "I love hearing what you have to say, but when I’m interrupted, I feel like my voice doesn’t matter. Can we both try to give each other space to finish our thoughts?"
Here, Jamie sets a boundary in a way that’s firm yet kind, fostering understanding.
3. Repairing After an Argument
Scenario: Alex and Jamie had a heated argument, and both said hurtful things.
Hard Power Approach (Avoidance or Control):
They both stonewall, give the silent treatment, or demand an apology without owning their own part.Soft Power Approach (Taking Accountability):
Alex might say: "I realize I was harsh during our argument, and I regret saying what I said. I don’t want us to hurt each other like that. Can we take a step back, talk about what’s really going on, and figure this out together?"
By being the first to repair and take accountability, Alex invites Jamie to re-engage and move toward connection.
4. Asking for Needs to Be Met
Scenario: Jamie feels neglected because Alex spends a lot of time working and not enough time on their relationship.
Hard Power Approach (Criticism):
Jamie says: "You never make time for me! Your work is more important than I am!"Soft Power Approach (Expressing Needs with Vulnerability):
Jamie says: "I’ve been feeling lonely lately and I really miss you. I know your work is demanding, but can we plan some intentional time together this week? It would mean so much to me."
This approach allows Jamie to express a need without blaming Alex, creating space for a positive response.
5. Shifting from “Me” to “We”
Scenario: A couple is struggling with housework and responsibilities feeling uneven.
Hard Power Approach (Defensiveness and Blame):
Alex says: "I do more than you around here! You’re the one who doesn’t help out."Soft Power Approach (Relational Mindset):
Alex says: "I know we’re both feeling stressed, and it’s tough to manage everything. I want us to feel like we’re in this together. How can we split things in a way that feels fair to both of us?"
This response shifts the focus from “me versus you” to a shared, collaborative goal.
6. Validating and Empathizing
Scenario: Jamie shares feelings of insecurity about a recent job loss.
Hard Power Approach (Fixing or Dismissing):
Alex says: "You’re overthinking this. You’ll find another job soon—stop worrying so much."
This dismisses Jamie’s feelings, even if well-intentioned.Soft Power Approach (Empathy and Validation):
Alex says: "I can see how hard this has been for you, and I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. It makes total sense to feel worried right now. I’m here for you, and we’ll figure it out together."
By validating Jamie’s emotions, Alex creates emotional safety and support.
Summary:
To me, Soft Power is a game changer! Terry Real’s "soft power" encourages vulnerability, connection, and collaboration rather than dominance, blame, or withdrawal. It’s about engaging with others relationally—expressing feelings, setting boundaries, and taking accountability in a way that fosters intimacy, mutual respect, and trust.
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